Anthony Weiner Withdrawal Speech
Since the Anthony Weiner campaign for mayor of New York is tied up at the moment with massive damage control and no campaign manager, I thought I'd help out with a little speech writing. Hey, I did some writing for the Bush 41 campaign back in '88, so you can be sure this will be good stuff (definitely better than what we've been hearing from the WC).
So here you go Carlos. Say it with a straight face--just like you always do!
Ladies and Gentlemen, members of the Press Corp and above all to the voters of NYC. OK, 'ya got me. I realize that now. Not because of anything I've done of course (why ever would that matter?). However, yesterday I called my top 10 supporters who've-stuck-with-me-through-thick-and-thin, to start planning my "Comeback Kid" (Phase Two) of the campaign. But everyone of them had changed their phone numbers. Every… single … one.
Wusses. Couldn't take the heat. One of them did send me a great pic "for old times sake" from her new unlisted number. I got a little teary eyed, I have to tell you.
I will always love the Big Apple, but at the moment, I have no more to give. Nada. I've devoted my entire life to serving the people of this great city. I've served. And served. And served some more. But for the moment, it's time for me to gracefully recede into the background. You know, like Churchill did, who, after all, saved his people from the Nazis! And look at the thanks he got!!
By the way, just an aside to the nitpickers who've carped that I've had more or less no legislative accomplishments as your Congressman for 12 years. Accomplishments?? Friggin' amateurs! You really do not understand politics, do you?
To my faithful wife, Huma. What can I say that hasn't already been said about her? Yes she's hot. And yes she's got class. What did you expect from my wife?? Here's looking at you kid. You come from a land in which a woman stands by her man--no matter what! Thick and thin, baby!! Are you taking notes, New York??
Will I be back. Of course not. You can quote me: "New York, you won't have me to kick around any more!" Recognize that quote? That's what NIxon said when he told off California. (He was back in the game in no time, btw.)
What will I do during my "wilderness years"? I figure two weeks of therapy somewhere should do the trick, like that guy in San Diego is doing. I like his style. (Oops, better make that "intensive" therapy for two weeks.)
Well, goodbye NY. You know where to reach me!